Doorknob (game)

Doorknob is a game in which participants are supposed to say "safety" after they flatulate before other participants say "doorknob". This is known as "calling doorknob". If other participants call doorknob before the flatulater calls safety, then the non-flatulating participants are encouraged to physically assault the flatulater until he or she touches a doorknob. The game is GeneRally assumed to be continuously ACTIVE, and participants are frequently forced into the game unexpectedly, even against their will. The game is often invoked when participants are somewhere such as on a bus or out camping and will not encounter a doorknob for some time.

Rules

  1. When an individual flatulates, he or she must say the word "safety" in a clear tone so as to be heard by those around him or her.
  2. If the individual fails to say "safety", participants may say the word "doorknob".
  3. However,if the individual says "safety" and the participants say "aftershock", the flatulator must knock on wood or a wooden item or else he can be punched as if someone said doorknob.
  4. At that time, participants may physically punish the individual who flatulated. Punishment can take a variety of forms, however most people prefer The Swift, accurate punches to either the forearm or diaphram over the alternatives.(alternatives include beating the individual with nearby objects such as a box or other graspable capacity) No lethal weapons.
  5. If the flatulence is prolonged, then a non-flatulating participant may call doorknob before the flatuation has ceased.
  6. The individual must immediately seek a doorknob and touch it. Once the individual touches said doorknob, the beating must cease.
  7. If flatulation is anticipated due to some overt gesture (i.e. the individual angles his buttocks before flatulating) and a fellow participant declares "doorknob," then the pre-flatulator calls "false-doorknob" and is allowed to assault the individual who called doorknob before flatulation. This continues until the false-caller touches a doorknob (just as if they had flatulated and not called safety).
  8. If flatulator is in bed and beneath their covers (covers unnecessary in very hot weather)with the intention of slumber in the near future (10-30 minutes)then all preceding rules are dismissed. This means that the flatulator may flatulate at their own will without fear of penalty.
  9. Any flatulate exercised outside is null and void of the necessity of saying "safety." Likewise, all "doorknobs" expressed outside are invalid.
  10. If the flatulator commits multiple flatulates, then they must call safeties like kills in HaLo. Ex. "Safety. Double safety. Triple safety. Safe-tacular. Safety spree. Safe-trocity. Safe-amanjaro."
  11. Any flatulate in his/her room is declared cancelled in the doorknob game(meaning it does not count).
  12. All counting must be done out loud and at a normal pace, including the word Mississippi between each number.
  13. The person that makes the flatuence is not allowed to hit the person that has called doorknob on them

Variations

Many variations exist when doorknobs are either not accessible, or too accessible. A common variation is to replace the doorknob with something that the participants consider undesirable to touch, or something that is impossible, or nearly so, to touch.

In some circles, the person who has flatulated says "doorknob" rather than "safety" in order to prohibit the others from beating upon him. This tends to happen more commonly when the game has not previously been enacted in a certain circle of individuals and the reason the person is saying "safety" might not be readily recognized while "doorknob" is more likely to be recognized and associated with the game.

A known variant is "deerknob", in which the flatulator is required to grab a deer by the antlers, while the other participants deerfight him. This is usually only called in jest.

In certain parts of the United States, such as Pennsylvania, a variation is played wherein the flatulator must knock on a piece of wood instead of touching a doorknob, although it is unknown if these games have any relation. In addition, in this version of the game, if the flatulence is overly loud, the perpetrator is given a tongue-in-cheek "Toby Award".

In some versions, the assaulter can call "Blitz" even if the flatulator has called Safety. In this version you must call "Safety no Blitz" or touch the doorknob. Also known as Bonus.

A final variation is that if the flatulator is caught lying AbOUT flatuating, then participants may still physically punish the person and may have up to ten punches after the person has touched a doorknob.

Another variation prevalent in the Pacific Northwest requires the flatulator to say the word "safety" in a sentence. This is mainly to confuse those who aren't aware of this variation and to catch those that are off-guard. The punishment phase is also modified where the other participants may call "six fish" to requirer the flatulator to name six different fish while being physically assaulted. This variation of the game has led to increasingly more rules and different strategies. Some include limiting the amount of times a flatulator can use the word safety in simple sentences (This is good for my safety) or making the game inactive while the participants are outside. Variations on the names of fish that are allowed also vary. A popular one involves letting the flatulator combine their own name with "-fish" to make a humorous name (Sander-fish)

Common strategies to confuse the other participants are to simply say "Safety in a sentence" and to work the word "safety" into the conversation in such a way that the other participants are left completely unaware until it's too late. Also purposely inserting false fish names to confuse the other participants and temporarily cease the punishment. An example would be: "Tigershark, whaleshark, bearshark..."

Slugs is a popular modification used in camps in the North east. After the flatulator calls safety the assaulter can call Slugs and assault the flatulator until they name five items in a specific category.

One other variation of note is the "beaver" response. This requires no 'safety' type word from other participants. Instead the flatulator must say the word "beaver" and successfully whistle after the completion of a bout of flatulance. Until the flatulator can whistle, any and all other participants are allowed to punish them. The ability of the flatulator to successfully whistle quickly while being punched and/or kicked is a highly commended trait, considering the obvious difficulty in drawing breath, pursing lips and maintaining composure. Those unable to whistle are advised to avoid peers who are aware of this variation, especially when committing obvious bouts of flatulance.

In Australia, the person responsible for the flatulance must call "safety" before anyone around them says "sixes all round". In which case, everybody nearby is to hit the person who flatulated 6 times.

In Québec, after getting doorknob called on him, the flatulator must walk to the doorknob while he gets punched, he is not allowed to dodge assaulters or to run at all.

One other variation - from Guildford, UK - is "pubs open". The non-flatulator calls pub's open ( assuming the flatulator hasn't said "pub's closed") and the flatulator must name 5 pubs to stop the beating.

Another - also from Guildford, UK - is "Rooster". The flatulator calls Rooster, and the last person who replies with "rooster" is assaulted... for an indefinite period of time.

Another variation that has become popular in Hawaii is to call a specific doorknob. For example, you could call "Upstairs bathroom doorknob", or "Girls' house doorknob." The target of the calling must touch that specific doorknob before the attacks end. Yet another variation is to call a specific object or body part, such as "Jay's Ding-Dong". The object of this game is the flatuator does not want to touch the object called, and therefore has to accept a brutal beating. This variation is rarely played; however is considered in extreme cases of flatuence. The six fish variation is also used, but only Hawaiian names work.

In Maryland it is common to say Recoil after someone flatulates. So the Flatulator must say Safety no Aftershock no Recoil or Safety no anything.

References

  • Opie, I, et al. The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren, NYRB Classics, 2001. ISBN 978-0-940322-69-1