The Velvet Peignoir Club

The Velvet Peignoir Club, or "VP", is a nightclub for the sophisticated, featured nightly on David Sheppard's radio show for BBC South West.

The VP is a members' only club which aspires to sophistication but tends towards calamity. 'Visits' are made to the club courtesy of Sheppard's trial membership card, exploiting a loophole which allows free entry for 30 minutes each night.

Characters

The club is attended by a cast of regulars, most notably veteran member Mrs Pumphrey and her dog Tricky-Woo (who is actually a cat). Original characters are joined nightly by those from the world of British television, most notably Major Gowen and Mrs Richards from Fawlty Towers, Margot and Gerry Leadbetter, and even Daisy and Onslow, all of whom behave true to type.

Club staff include Colossus the Doorman, anti-monogamist assistant Annabelle, Al-Frisco the goosing waiter, Giancarlo the chef and the club’s Secretary, Treasurer and Chairman George Merrydew. The VP Committee is headed up by Young Mr Grace, with a seemingly endless string of sub-committees who meet with alarming regularity. Reception is staffed, seemingly round the clock, by Hortence Withering, who joined the club from her role at W.C. Boggs in 2015.

From 2017, the club has been fully digital, with the appointment of a new Head of Digital Media and Communications, Houmi Beebee (pron: Who-me Bébé), who mostly works from home, and acting Assistant Head Andrew Moron. The digital duo introduce regular initiatives to improve the bi-directional flow of multi-platform digital communication between themselves and the members.

Celebrities

Among the club’s celebrity members are Bill and Angela Rennells, who are said to travel to the club from Twyford in their ageing Vauxhall Velox. Due to persistent navigational errors and mechanical failures, they rarely arrive in time to appear.

Fern Britton is a frequent club visitor, often stealthily using the opportunity to sell her frozen ready meals to fellow members.

Music

The club features ‘performances’ from up to seven acts each night, selected by the club’s Entertainments Committee. Sheppard's radio commentary is often ambiguous as to whether these are live stage performances or played through the club’s speaker system, especially where long deceased artists are concerned.

The theme of the music is gentle sophistication. Regular performers include Anne Murray, Gordon Lightfoot, Rosanne Cash, Matt Monro, The Carpenters, Rita Coolidge, Manhattan Transfer, Gerry Rafferty, Shawn Colvin and Nanci Griffith.

The influence of the late Paul Walters on the Entertainments Committee is often acknowledged and celebrated.

Elaine Page ‘performed’ at the club in 2017, reportedly generating a crippling appearance fee from which the club’s finances are still recovering. After weeks of cutbacks, the balance was finally paid by Mrs Pumphrey following a major win on the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

Buildings and history

While the club’s precise location remains a mystery, much can be extrapolated about its layout. The main buildings are seemingly part of a large estate with gardens and almshouses, now used by Annabelle and her friends for overnight stops.

Sheppard’s ‘visits’ are mostly concentrated in the main bar of the East Wing, where the musical performances are given. Nearby is the Gina Lollobrigida Drawing Room and corridor leading to the Joan Rivers ladies’ restroom.

The club reportedly suffered during the Great Storm of 1987, missing almost a full year of operation while damage was repaired. Consequently, to this day, club events continue to run a year behind schedule (the 2015 VP Christmas Party took place in December 2016, for example).

In 2017, to settle a legal debt to solicitors Micheldever, Winchfield, Brookwood, Woking, Byfleet and Newhaw, the formerly mothballed South Wing of the club was sold to comedian Lenny Henry for conversion into a budget hotel. Following major issues with building contractors Eric and Jacko, the work is ongoing.

Controversy

The club has faced a number of takeover bids from chains and developers in recent years. In 2016, the Peignoir Almshouses were sold to supermarket giant Betabuys and planning permission granted for a large convenience store with associated parking and hypermarket extension. Following protests from VP historians, the development was blocked and the Almshouses sold back to the Velvet Peignoir Trust for a nominal sum of £1. The money from the original sale was lost by treasurer George Merridew and never recovered.

In 2017, the club was visited by representatives from pub-chain J. Z. Witherspoons with a view to its conversion to a sports bar. An offer was rebuffed.

Peppermint Rhino (Rivals)

For decades, the Velvet Peignoir Club has been embroiled in a bitter moral battle with its nearest neighbour, the Peppermint Rhino Club. Whilst the two clubs serve very different markets, proprietors of the Peppermint Rhino, Steve and Collette, regularly delight in puncturing the VP’s attempts at sophistication.

Trivia

The VP is often said to make use of the Northfield Middle School bus for club outings. Coincidentally, Sheppard is currently restoring a vintage bus which was once owned by the former Northfield Middle School in Thorne, near Doncaster.